Tantrums are familiar to every parent with a child older than one. Your every “no” is a potential disaster, ending in yelling and screaming. To top it all, it’s best when it happens in public (seems like it always does). And it lasts and lasts and you start to consider joining your child and screaming along out of helplessness.
First, we want to say we understand you. And there is nothing wrong with you or your child.
We can define tantrums as intense emotional outbursts. They can strike anytime between ages 1 and 4, but usually around the second year (another name for tantrums is the Terrible Twos!). Common behaviors are screaming, crying, stubbornness, defiance and sometimes aggression and self-injury.
At what age do you think tantrums are most common?
Make your prediction, then tap an answer to check!
Why Tantrums Happen
So, why do they happen? As mentioned before, they happen in a certain age range. In that time, brain regions responsible for emotional regulation are still in development. In other words, children still don’t know how to express their emotions or how to postpone their wishes. Everything is here and now. Another reason - they still don’t know which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. They will learn that in time and with the proper guidance.
Take yourself for example. Let’s say you are browsing the shop and you find some shiny new trinket and you really want it. You open your wallet and it’s empty as a bear stomach after hibernation. You may feel angry because of it but you won’t start crying and screaming. You know you need to wait for that big fat paycheck to come and then you will be able to buy what you want. Well, your child doesn’t know that yet - they act on impulse, and that’s something you, as a parent, can help regulate.
What Not to Do During a Tantrum
So how do we deal with those nasty toddler tantrums? Let’s say you’re shopping with your child and they want a chocolate. You decided not to buy it and they make a scene. Everyone is looking at you, you tried everything but to no avail. What would be a mistake in this situation?
1) Cave in
Sometimes it would be so easy to just buy that chocolate. Screaming would stop and people would stop looking at you as a parenting failure. Right? No. Well, maybe at that moment things would improve. But the next time? And the time after that (and there will be a time after that)? Children crave order and stability. They need to know that you mean what you say and that the same rules apply no matter your mood. Children are testing your limits all the time and you must stand behind your decisions. Teach your child that “no” means “no” - not “maybe”, and not “yes, if you push long enough or make a scene”. Consistency is the key!
2) Yell or Threaten
Sometimes you feel so powerless that you lose control and start yelling. That is like adding fuel to the fire. Your child is overwhelmed with strong emotions and you losing control will make it worse. Remember that your child is not planning tantrums to spite you. They just don’t know how to cope with those intense emotions.
Yelling adds fuel to the fire: the child is already overwhelmed.
3) Laugh or Imitate the Child
There is a school of thought that some undesirable behaviors should be amplified and reflected back to the child. Like when they start screaming, you start to scream even louder. Or laugh and make fun of them. The idea is that the child will see how silly that behavior is. That strategy will backfire. Think how humiliating that is. The person you love the most is making fun of your feelings. Even if it sometimes works, the relationship with your child would suffer.
4) Try to Reason with the Child
You can try to explain why and how all you want, but in that moment of affect, it won’t matter. Your child can’t process what you are saying. It only makes them more and more overwhelmed.
But there must be something we can do, right?
Good Strategies to Deal with Tantrums
The best possible strategy would be to avoid a tantrum in the first place. Wait, there's more to that, I promise. Every parent knows what makes their child tick.
For example, you go grocery shopping and you know that your child will go crazy when they see sweets. Try avoiding those areas of the shop (and the checkout lines!). Bring a distraction. You could have some “outing toys” that you bring out only for situations like this. Predict what could cause the outburst and intervene in time with a song or a story. Use any trick available!
Turn the trigger into a game
If your child always gets angry when they need to put on their shoes, think ahead and make up a game. “Quickly! The floor is lava and only with the magical shoes can we stand on it!” Act it out and be dramatic - the more convincing the performance, the better it works.
Parents sometimes think tricks like these are giving in - children should just behave! Well, as you can imagine, growing up doesn’t work that way.
Learning to regulate those intense emotions is a process. But you can help by talking to your child about emotions. Share your own emotions, verbalize them, show where on your body you feel them and what caused them. Help your child recognize and name what they are feeling. Once they can verbalize and deal with emotions, tantrums will disappear.
Okay, but if you are in the middle of a tantrum, there are some things that can help.
The tantrum curve: at the peak, explanations can't get through. Talk only once the curve comes down.
First, stay calm! You need to guide your child and provide them with stability. Be there for them, stay close but don’t talk too much. Let them get it all out, wait patiently while they scream and yell.
Stay calm and stay close: your composure is the child's anchor.
If you think your child could hurt themselves in the outburst, gently hug them and hold them until they calm down. The calmer you are, the sooner your child will calm down too. If your child doesn’t want physical contact, just stay close by.
After the initial outburst has passed, show your love and support! Tell them you love them and everything will be alright. The child will usually cry at this point and feel reassured that you are there for them. Good job!
Only after your child has calmed down comes the talk. It doesn’t have to be right away - pick the moment you judge is right. Explain the reasons behind your decision. Use it as a chance to talk about emotions and behaviors. All emotions are okay, but not all behaviors are okay. Don’t let “no” remain just a “no” - explaining it will speed up the process of your child regaining control over their emotions and teach them how to handle those emotions in the future.
Also, think a bit about your household rules. Children who feel they control nothing in their lives often protest through tantrums. Do you have too many rigid rules at your house? Does your child hear “no” too often? Are you, in your protectiveness, limiting their opportunities to explore? If you recognize yourself in this, maybe it’s time for some changes. Of course, it is sometimes hard to judge what is too much and what is too little.
Tantrum or Meltdown?
Sometimes an emotional outburst looks like manipulation or a lack of boundaries, but is actually a meltdown - being overwhelmed by too much sensory stimulation. Meltdowns are common in neurodivergent children, but also in adults. If you are unsure, as always, seek advice from a professional.
Here are a few differences that can help you tell them apart:
| Tantrum | Meltdown | |
|---|---|---|
| Trigger | Frustration: a wish, a limit, a "no" | Overload from stimuli (noise, crowds, lights) or emotions |
| Goal | Often goal-directed (chocolate, attention) | No goal - it's a reaction, not a strategy |
| Audience | Escalates with an audience | Doesn't depend on an audience, happens alone too |
| How it ends | Stops when the child gets their way or gives up | Stops only when stimulation decreases and the body settles |
| What helps | Calm, consistent limits | A quiet place, fewer stimuli, time |
When to seek professional help?
Tantrums are a normal part of development. Still, talk to your pediatrician or a psychologist if tantrums keep getting more frequent and intense after age five, if your child regularly hurts themselves or others during them, if they hold their breath until they pass out, or if outbursts routinely last longer than about 15 minutes.
The bottom line is that growing up is hard: it is full of new situations, stimuli and challenges, with very little control and autonomy. Frustration is an unpleasant feeling, and tantrums are just one of the (still immature) ways of coping with it. And remember how you thought that everyone thinks you are a terrible parent? Well, actually they don’t! Everyone who has a child has been in those situations many times. They are feeling enormous empathy for you! Everyone remembers how challenging tantrums can be.
Key takeaways
- Tantrums are a normal part of development: the brain regions in charge of self-control are still developing, and frustration outruns words.
- During a tantrum, don't cave in, yell, mock or reason - in the moment of affect, your child can't hear you.
- The best strategy is prevention: predict the triggers, bring a distraction and turn the challenge into a game.
- In the middle of a tantrum, stay calm and stay close; talking about emotions comes only after the storm has passed.
- A meltdown is not a tantrum: it comes from sensory or emotional overload, has no goal, and doesn't stop with either giving in or limits.
- If outbursts keep intensifying after age five or involve self-injury, seek advice from a professional.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age are tantrums normal?
Tantrums most commonly appear between ages one and four, peaking around the second year (the "terrible twos"). For most children they fade by age four or five, as language and self-regulation skills develop. Occasional outbursts can happen later too, but if they keep getting more frequent and intense after age five, it's worth consulting a professional.
How long does a typical tantrum last?
Most tantrums last from a couple of minutes to about fifteen minutes. If outbursts regularly last much longer, check for hidden triggers: tiredness, hunger, thirst or too much stimulation (noise, crowds, screens). A well-rested, well-fed child is much harder to set off.
Should I ignore my child during a tantrum?
Ignore the behavior, not the child. Don't give in to the demand and don't lecture, but stay close so your child knows they are safe and not being abandoned. For younger children, closeness matters most - those big emotions are frightening, and they need you as an anchor while the feelings wash over them.
What is the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
A tantrum is usually goal-directed (chocolate, attention), escalates in front of an audience, and stops when the child gets their way or gives up. A meltdown is a reaction to being overwhelmed by sensory input or emotions: it has no goal, doesn't depend on an audience, and stops only when the stimulation decreases - not when you give in or set limits. Meltdowns are common in neurodivergent children, but also in adults.
How can I prevent a tantrum at the store?
Go shopping with a rested, fed child, avoid the candy aisles and the eye-level sweets at the checkout, bring a special "outing toy", and give your child a job ("you're in charge of the apples!"). If you see a storm brewing, redirect attention with a song, a story or a game before the screaming starts.
When should I worry about tantrums?
Talk to your pediatrician or a child psychologist if tantrums keep getting more frequent and intense after age five, if your child regularly hurts themselves or others during them, if they hold their breath until they pass out, or if you suspect the outbursts are actually meltdowns caused by sensory overload. Asking once "for nothing" is better than staying worried for months.
